This is an open letter to all those guys with thick luxurious “George Clooney in Syriana” beards. We need to have a serious talk and you may want to sit down for this.
Here it goes…
You need to shave already. I’ve had enough.
You’ve had a good long run with this bushy faced style but it’s time to give it up.
Really, has anyone stopped to think of how it would feel to be a guy who can’t grow a crazy “Joaquin Phoenix – I’m Still Here” full whiskered beard. I’m one of those guys and it’s not a good feeling. Every where I look guys are wearing these wonderful “Zach Galifanakis” furry faces and I’m walking around town with a face as smooth as a baby’s bottom. It’s emasculating. Enough already!
You may say to yourself that I only want you to shave because I’m jealous, and you’d be right. You would be absolutely right. I am jealous. I have no rebuttal to that argument, it’s 100% true… so what, big whoop, wanna fight about it? (Family Guy reference for those who don’t know. I’m not only jealous; I’m a big kid too.)
I remember back in the original 90210 days when Dylan McKay had long sideburns. All the guys had to have long sideburns too. That is all the guys except for me of course. It was all the rage and I had no ability to grow sideburns. I thought maybe when I got older it would happen for me but it never did. I just can’t grow facial hair north of my jaw line. I’m fine growing a goatee and worse comes to worst I can get a moustache up and running in a few days. But this? This full “Brian Wilson” shaggy mug thing, I just can’t do it. I waited the sideburn trend out and I really thought I could wait this one out too. However this one is sticky… it really is and I just had to say something.
The funny thing is, I really thought we had this facial hair thing beat. For the longest time everyone was clean-shaven. I was fine for more than 20 years until full facial hair became the style of the day. What I hoped was a fad is now the norm. This is crazy and it’s gone on too long.
So I leave you with this heart-felt appeal.
In the name of universal brotherhood, for those men who can’t grow beards, or still have peach fuzz, or grow facial hair in patches, or grow those creepy scraggly things… shave your thick “Grizzly Adams” wooly beards already. Let’s all be equals in a shaved face society.